Home > Organizational Behavior > The 10 rules of effective punishment – without raising your hand or your voice

The 10 rules of effective punishment – without raising your hand or your voice


Parenting is the most important job we’ll ever do and yet children come without a manual – or a money-back option! This parent guide is an extract from Dr John Irvine’s book Who’d be a parent? The manual that should have come with the kids! Dr Irvine is one of Australia’s most heard and read child psychologists.

To print or download this guide, click here.

Children need punishment to steer their behaviour, and they need encouragement even more.

Below are 10 ways to punish effectively, without raising your hand or your voice.

  1. Aim your punishment at the action, not the ego.
  2. Make it logical – if they can’t be home at the time they promised then they’re not ready for the freedom of unsupervised time.
  3. Make it sensible – a list of jobs on the fridge might save some silly punishment when you’re angry and help your workload too.
  4. Make it inescapable – con merchants are bred in watery rules. If the punishment seems too hard after you’ve cooled down then soften, but don’t disobey yourself.
  5. Make it noticeable – some families become so negative that an extra punishment isn’t noticed.
  6. Make it acceptable – if rules and penalties are clear and fair then the kids are more likely to accept the consequences.
  7. Make it respectful – insulting or bashing just makes them think about revenge not remedy.
  8. Make it consistent – as the ancient Greek author, Plutarch, said, ‘perseverance is more prevailing than violence’.
  9. Make it reasonable – give a reason and sometimes maybe even give a bit of choice on when and how they’re going to fix things up.
  10. Make it private – public punishment hits the ego not the action and they’ll hit back to save face.

Preferred social rewards and punishment by age

BIRTH TO 18 MONTHS EIGHTEEN MONTHS TO FIVE YEARS SIX TO 11 YEARS 12 YEARS AND OVER
R
E
W
A
R
D
S
smiling face
cuddles
stroking
singing
conversing
attention
whispers
reactions
movement
impact
physical play
one-to-one time
good taste
physical play
rhythm
attention
smiling face
hugs
admiration
talk time
one-to-one-time
impact-reaction
pretend play
success
problem solving
bigness recognition
favourite food
rides-rhythm
approval
‘happy disk’
TV/video
computers
attention
adult approval
tokens
name mention
peer approval
mastery
winning
competency
problem solving
competitive success
cooperating play
badges
privileges
status symbols
respect
explanation
friends
one-to-one talk
front seat of care
‘green disk’
TV/video
computers
peer attention
peer approval
independence
freedom
mature symbols
status symbols
winning
public recognition
respect
money
car
parent-free time
friends
phone calls
group inclusion
sexual attraction
social competent
approval
trust
TV/video
computers
P
U
N
I
S
H
M
E
N
T
sad face
waiting
stern voice
hairy eyebrow
‘no’
ignoring
sharp clap
sad face
waiting
stern voice
hairy eyebrow
‘no’
ignoring
time out
adult disapproval
toy deprivation
attention removal
scolding
‘sad face’
no TV/video
no computer
logical punishment
natural punishment
time out
grounding
detentions
privilege stop
‘red disk’
stern voice
peer disapproval
Logical punishment
Natural punishment
Grounding
Privilege stop
Peer disapproval

top

Angry parents first aid guide

Place this list by the phone for fast access in times of emotional emergency.

Anger rating
out of 10
Action
10 DON’T TOUCH your child. Just go outside for a walk and say ‘Hi’ to anyone, even a dog will do, to break the pain cycle
9 DON’T TOUCH your child. Just shake or belt a pillow, and keep doing it till the tears flow and you’re both safe. Then take some deep breaths and have a cuppa in another room.
8 DON’T TOUCH your child. Use your phone, not your fist, and let someone know you’re in pain. If you need a number phone any helpline such as Lifeline on 13 11 14.
7 TAKE your child out into another room, put on soothing music and just keep rocking together to reassure each other.
6 Massage your child with baby oil. Using warm hands, do the ‘Weather Report Massage’ on their back: little pitter pat of raindrops followed by the bigger spots, swirl your hands slowly around their back for the big wind, cup hands and pat all over the upper back for thunderclaps and then around the shoulders for the big tides surging. Eventually go slower and softer and calmer as the storm passes.
5 TAKE your child in the car or go for a walk to visit friends, favourite shops or a favourite neighbour. Or just keep driving (if you’re not dangerously angry) till you feel better
4 TALK to your preschool teacher or phone family day care and let them know you’re it a bit tough from time to time and need a break and ideas. Remember that people like to help, it makes everyone’s life worthwhile if they think they’re useful.
3 THINK up some fun things you can do together to get you both laughing, and think up ways to stop you feeling trapped in your own house. Join the Nursing Mothers Association, playgroup or join a parenting course through the local health centre or community education course.
2 PLAY music, burn oils and make your home feel comfortable. Find some company, preferably for yourself and your child, but either will do.
1 WRITE out your ideas and share them, because you’re ahead of the rest of use!

Remember, your child will be all right if you’re all right, so look after yourself first.

These tips are my little effort to help parents regain some confidence and regain some easy authority in their kid’s lives. So who’d be a parent? I hope that you wouldn’t swap it and that your kids know it!

Source: Parent Link, Canberra, Australia http://www.parentlink.act.gov.au/parenting_guides/dr_john/punishment

  1. No comments yet.
  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: